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Saturday 30 May 2015, You're a Numpty

Fair warning here - this entire blogpost made me feel stabby. Allow me to show you why.

The post is called 8 steps to confront your wife's sexual refusal

Yeah. Confronting someone because they don't want sexy times instead of asking them what's wrong will definitely get you nooky.

Let's look at the first paragraph: 

"How should you as a husband handle it when your wife directly refuses to have sex without a valid reason?"

Um. Dude, your wife doesn't need a valid reason. Nobody does. Let me repeat this: NOBODY NEEDS TO GIVE YOU A REASON AS TO WHY THEY DON'T WANT SEX. 

"Is there anything a Christian husband can do about this?"
Yes. Leave her alone.

"This will be my last post specifically about sexuality in this series on “How to be godly husband”.

"Christian Husbands – let me be crystal clear here. The situation I am addressing in this post is not your wife occasionally turning you down for sex (even with a bad attitude, as opposed to for health or other legitimate reasons). What I am addressing here is the wife who consistently and routinely denies her husband sexually simply because she does not need sex as much or she thinks she should not have to do it except when she is in the mood or she thinks her husband should have to earn sex with her by “putting her in the mood” by doing various things she expects or likes."

Wow. Imagine a woman daring to only want sex when she's in the mood, or wants her husband to arouse her. Next thing you know she'll want to learn how to read.

"I have not, nor would I EVER advocate for a husband to force himself physically upon his wife or to physically abuse her in any fashion.  The issue being discussed is how a husband can confront a wife who chronically or willfully denies his sexual rights in marriage without just cause(be it legitimate health or mental conditions).  He has the right, both under Biblical law, as well as under American law, to reason with his with his wife and try to convince her to willingly(even if grudgingly) yield herself to him, and thereby fulfilling one her most important duties in Christian marriage."

Yield? Your wife is not bloody road traffic. Making someone have sex with you when they are unwilling and grudging about it is abuse. 
The phrase for what you're advocating is passive rape. 

"In two previous posts in this series I addressed these key issues:
In “Christian Husbands – You don’t pay for the milk when you own the cow!” we established this Biblical principle:
Neither the husband, nor the wife have to earn sex in marriage.
A wife cannot flatly refuse her husband, she may only ask for a delay (a raincheck) and then she needs to make good on that raincheck as soon as possible.
A husband has the right to confront his wife’s sexual refusal as a sin not only against him, but also against God.
In “Is a husband selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not the mood?” I elaborated further on this subject of sexual refusal in marriage with these principles:
A husband ought not to feel guilty for having sex with his wife when she is not in the mood if she yields, even grudgingly.
A husband needs to use prayerful discernment to discover if her reasons for “not being in the mood” are for legitimate physical or mental health reasons or if the problem is wrong thinking and wrong attitude on the part of his wife. If her reasons are legitimate, then she needs to seek medical or psychological help as soon as possible.
Now in this post we will talk about how to handle the sexual refusal of a wife when it is because she has a wrong attitude and wrong thinking about marriage and sex."

OMFG, dude. This is not how healthy relationships work. Also, you just made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Yes, a woman can totally refuse sex. This is because she is a person, and not a blow-up sex toy, and has rights over her own body. Also, did you seriously just compare women to cows? What are you going to do when you get the munchies, butcher her? 
I think you're overly concerned with the interest your God has in your sex life. You also appear to have an ego problem if you are putting yourself in the same role as a deity.
A husband that makes his wife have sex should feel guilty. He should also be in jail.
Here's an answer for the prayerful discernment: 

Then there's a bunch of stuff about husbands refusing their wives, which is being saved for another series (Oh, joy.) and lot of biblical quotations from Corinthians and Paul. I'm not pasting it because it will turn this post into something that takes two weeks to read. However:

That's not how it works.

 "Let me be clear on something, even if you do follow the steps below I give, this does not automatically mean you will get a change from your wife, or her repentance for her sexual immorality." 

Let's have a quick look at the steps he wants you to take. I'm just taking the headings, because the explanations he gives repeats them in a variety of annoying ways:

"Step 1 – Rebuke her privately"

Sure. Treat a grown-ass woman like she's 6. That's guaranteed to make her want sexy times.

"Step 2 – Rebuke her before witnesses"

Because it's always good to have someone else see what an ass you really are.

"Step 3 – Bring her before the Church"

Note: He points out that you may have an angry wife after this stage. Ya think?

"Step 4 – Stop taking her on dates or trips"

This boils down to "No nooky, no fun." Because you should always punish someone for not having sex. It's guaranteed to get you lai- 
Oh, wait.

"Step 5 – No unnecessary household upgrades"

Also known to 10 year olds as cutting your nose off to spite your face. Have fun, guys.

"Step 6 – Stop doing the little extra things"

This is so incredibly specific I'm guessing he's going by personal experience. Apparently he gives a great massage.

"Step 7 – Remove her funding"

What the absolute fuck?

Good of you to note that this only works if she doesn't have her own income. Stop giving her pocket money??? 

"What if none of these 7 steps work?

If your wife remains willfully defiant, yet she has not left you, it could be for a variety of reasons."
Yeah. She could've grown up in a cult that views abuse like this as normal. She could be terrified of you. She could be trapped with no money and no skills to make a new life.

Let me be clear. This is not how Christians are supposed to behave. This is not how any decent human is supposed to behave. 

"You have the option to divorce her for her sexual immorality."

There's sexual immorality here. Yours. Quite frankly if divorce gets your wife out of the living hell you've put her in, I'm all for it.

"Why bother with the first 7 steps if divorce is an option for sexual denial?"
Blah blah blah duty blah blah blah Israel blah blah blah "we owe our wives and our marriages this fight."
Following the above steps will and should result in: 

"But aren’t these steps a form of manipulation?"

But that's okay, because husbands need to discipline their wives :

"Discipline, on the other hand is very different from manipulation. Discipline is performed by one who is in authority over one who is under their authority. It is action taken by an authority to attempt to modify the bad behavior of the subject of that authority so that they will behave correctly in the future."

Dude, I can't even.

Christian husband, you are not powerless to act against your wife’s sexual refusal. But you must realize that this may be a long and costly battle. Your confrontation of your wife’s willful, sinful behavior may result in your marriage ending."

But wait: there's more!

"That is why we will talk about “10 Ways to know your wife” and then “12 Ways to honor your wife” now that we have concluded our discussion of sexuality as it relates to being a godly husband."



Thursday 28 May 2015

What To Teach Your Daughters

1) Nobody else has jurisdiction over her body 

She decides when or if she can have sex. The thing here is to educate her properly, and not the equivalent of what I received, which could be condensed down to "OMFG if you have sex with a boy you will like, explode. Or die. Or something. It's bad. Don't do it."  Kids aren't stupid. Teenagers have a lock-in on anything adults try to prevent them from doing, especially when said adults are doing the same damn thing on a regular basis.

Rampaging hormones and abstinence are not a good mix.  The result of the sex education we got in school was three pregnancies in the same year, thanks to myths like "you can't get pregnant if you're standing up," and the inability to understand how condoms work.

Teach her about the possible repercussions, tell her about birth control, and most importantly, teach her that she can say no. If you've never taught your child that she has that option, what do you think happens when the boy she loves tells her she has to do it?

2) Nobody else has jurisdiction over her body (this includes you)

The whole issue of virginity pledging is so creepy I don't really want to touch it, but here goes: you are dressing a girl up in something that looks like a wedding dress and pledging her to her father. This is the guy who probably changed her diapers and watched her learn how to walk, and now you are making her promise him that she won't have sex because he's the most important man in her life.

She decides whether she likes boys or girls, both or none. It is none of your business who she bumps uglies with as an adult, or whether she does this at all. It isn't your vagina.

Later on, she decides whether or not to have kids. This is not a parental decision, because she is not a stuffed toy with no autonomy.  If you want to decide on whether something breeds or not, get some pet fish. I understand the yearning for grandkids; I've watched in my own folks. But it's her choice, and again - it isn't your vagina involved.

The interest some parents seem to have in what their grown or over-age teenage children do with their genitalia is fucking disturbing. Stop it.

3) Nobody else has jurisdiction over her body and nobody has the right to shame her for it

Females come in all shapes and sizes. Some of us are tall, some of us need to stand on a stool to reach the kitchen cupboard. Skinny, average, plump, fat. Drop-dead gorgeous, kinda plain, somewhere in the middle. Sporty, geeky, ripped - just like guys.

You know what we don't have in common with guys? We usually don't like our bodies that much. We are taught, constantly, that we are not enough. No pretty enough, no submissive enough, not smart enough, not good enough. Not skinny enough. Too damn skinny. Too fat. Too plump. Too tall, too short, too blonde, too dark, too pale. Too old.

I have female family members ranging in age from 6 months to over 80 years, and apart from the 6 month old, they all criticise their bodies. They've been taught to, and I would like to drop-kick society out of a window when I hear my mom say her thighs are too big. It makes me want to cry, because my mom is beautiful, but she doesn't realise it.

Teach your daughter to like herself, all of herself. Don't buy into the myth that she isn't enough. And teach her to tell anyone who has issues with her body that they don't deserve her time or company. Most of all, teach her that she is enough.

Tuesday 5 May 2015

Election Blues

Most people are well aware I distrust (and in some cases severely dislike) politicians, especially the current batch dismantling the country.

I'm not sure most people are aware that I vote, and I do so in every election.

I grew up in a country where the majority of the population did not have the right to vote until I was out of high school. People marched, protested, bled and died for the right to scratch a cross against a name on a piece of paper.

When those people were finally given the right to vote, to step behind a curtain and clutch a pencil for the first time, the ink stamp that declared them voters still smudged and sticky on their flesh, they changed the face of a country.

As a female, I am very aware of the fact that women had to fight long and hard to get the right to vote. South Africa gave that right for the first time in  1933. The UK allowed us to vote in general elections in 1913, providing we were over 30 and meant property requirements. We got full voting rights here in 1928.  Once again, people died for that right.

Voting seems to be considered a pain in the fundamental. It's inconvenient. It means lining up in queues in draughty church halls and smelly, underused buildings. It means selecting the best of a bad bunch who might not make the changes they promise anyway (looking at you, David Cameron) and who might make the whole damn mess slightly worse.

The people who were disenfranchised only a century ago would have some trouble understanding this.

Politics haven't changed much. Politicians have always been corrupt, have always abused their offices, and have always ignored the social classes they don't want to know about. There are a few, battling against the cesspool of hand-outs and back-scratching, but they aren't the ones who get soundbites and their names in the papers.

The thing is, the people in parliament know about complacency, and voter apathy, and the feeling that one is pretty much the same as the other. They know that despite the rage seen everyday on the street, the average person doesn't feel they can make a difference. They encourage this. It is a lie.

If every person enraged by the callousness of the current system voted for someone else, the government would change; the people in their towers would fall. If every person dreading the thought of the Tories coming back in voted for Labour, the ruling party becomes Labour. If every woman condescended to by Cameron and co voted Green... Well, that's pretty much every female in the country. Bye, Dave!

And if you don't like what the new people do, you vote them out again. Make them realise that if what they do is unacceptable, there are repercussions, and we are the ones that bring those repercussions home. With a bit of pencil and a sheet of paper.

I watched a country changed by the voters, by the people who never believed they'd have a voice. It has happened in so many places, so many times.

Not voting is not an option. Humanity bled too hard to get us here.