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Friday, 31 May 2013

8 things you need to know about Gastro (Pass the disinfectant, please)

There is currently the mother of all gastro bugs circulating. Since I've just recovered from this one, and the damn thing would make the Terminator cry while trying not to soil himself, here's a handy guide to what you can expect during the process.

1) You will be too scared to hiccup, and you will be right. You also don't want to be on any form of public transportation, or anything that will jostle you in any way. This includes walking, stairs, and crawling. Things will get messy.

2) You will feel hungover without touching alcohol. There is something intrinsically evil about any bug that makes you feel like you made friends with a tequila bar for 5 frigging days, without any of the benefits, like actually enjoying yourself during said visit to the bar. It gets worse in bright light, and is exaggerated by working on a PC screen, which brings us to the next point:

3) If you try to work on a p.c. or laptop, you will throw up your toenails. In addition to the pounding headache, playing with any sort of backlit screen will make you feel incredibly nauseas. This includes smart phones, so the recommendation here is to wail about wanting to die on whatever social media pool you play in, and log off again.

4) Your legs will hurt. This bug has the side-bonus of truly flu-like symptoms. To make reaching the bathroom in time an extra-special adventure, it will remove your leg bones and replace them with noodles made out of pain. 

5) You can dehydrate really, really fast. Joking aside, if someone in the household gets this and they are really young, elderly, or already sickly, be very careful. Dehydration makes the headache worse (fun! not.) and it can kill. Plain water and this bug operate under the anti-gravity rule where what goes down must come up. Get some electrolyte sachets, and if needed, hit the emergency room. They may need a drip.

6) The pharmacist will give you stuff that is useless. The fun part about medicine is that you have to swallow it, and it needs to stay in your system for around 15 - 20 minutes to work. Anti-nausea tablets are as much use as a vegetarian vampire at this point.

7) You will crave weird things, and be unable to eat them. I spent nearly a week fantasising about everything from chocolate fudge to pickled herring. I have a fridge full of food that I couldn't touch because one bite triggered the return of every meal I ever ate. Once you can eat, avoid dairy at all costs for a couple of days. Just trust me on this one. Soy milk is better. Dairy bad.

8) As you get better, the rest of your house-hold will come down with it. There's nothing quite like hearing your housemate imitate a cat with a large hair-ball outside your bedroom door at 3 in the morning.

So there you have it. Hopefully this bout passes you by, since there are more pleasant ways to spend a week, like teasing Cthulhu or playing chicken with a great white.