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Saturday, 8 June 2013

The writer and caffeine - a brief guide

If you have a writer in your life you already know this. If you have the rare writer that doesn't consume caffeine, you may be required to donate your writer to medical research. For those that don't, here's a quick guide.

The relationship between the writer and her caffeine can be both complex and simple. The simple part is usually that your writer is a caffeine addict, and removal of the substance  may result in trauma. (Said trauma may be inflicted on the hapless barista at the nearest coffee shop who tries to serve decaf, and gets head-butted by said caffeine-deprived writer. Should this happen, tip well and leave before the police get there. Or save a small portion of your monthly income for bail.) 

The complex part involves the relationship between the writers mind and body. This usually involves some sort of internal dialogue, as follows:

The Morning Dialogue:

BODY: Coffee. Need coffee.
MIND: Gah. Coffee. Need Coffee. No use big words yet.

The Afternoon Dialogue:

BODY: Coffee. Want coffee.
MIND: We can do that. The last cup was at least an hour ago. 

The Evening Dialogue:

BODY (sits up, after a few hours of typing): COFFEEE!!!
MIND: It's nearly eleven. You won't sleep.
BODY: Do you want to finish this chapter or not?
MIND: I don't really need sleep.
BODY: And make a decent cup this time. The last one was like sucking on tar.
MIND: You cheeky cow!
BODY: Do you want to write or not? GIVE ME MY CAFFEINE. 

It may be useful at this point to mention that having your writer bounce off the ceiling is not really a good thing, and pays havoc with your deposit.