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Saturday, 14 September 2013

The Pigeon War continues: Ambushed!

In a day that I can only imagine is a concerted revenge attempt for the Great Coffee Pigeon Enema, I was ambushed twice. I can safely say that I lost on both occasions.

I imagine that the following reports were received at Pigeon HQ, to be examined and scrutinised by Pigeon Intelligence. Possibly medals were discussed and awarded.

07:42 a.m.

Target opened front door of flat. Your agent fearlessly and without heed of personal danger flung herself upwards and into target's face, screaming "Pigeons FOREVERRRRR!"
Target squawked (Like when Our Aunt Maude laid that funny shape egg? That noise.), windmilled arms, overbalanced and landed on posterior in flat hallway.
Your agent contemplated defecating on hall carpet, but was laughing too hard to take this action.
Target attempted to crawl towards door and punch agent at same time, resulting in target face-planting on carpet and screaming "Bloody pigeons!" repeatedly.
Once target regained footing and stood upright, your agent decided it would be prudent to leave vicinity while target was muttering to itself and picking feathers out of her hair.

Your agent notes with some satisfaction that target limped most of the way down the road, whilst rubbing posterior and muttering.

Mission accomplished.
- Dispatch ends.

19:03 p.m.

Your agent has achieved the pinnacle of timing and good aim! Long Live Pigeons! 

Target arrived at train station and stepped outside to get away from Strange Farting Human.  With careful consideration, your agent was able to position himself just over the doorway, and release The Bowels of Doom as target stepped outside.

Target was struck on nose.

Target screamed, cursed at agent, shook fist at agent, and used five separate tissues and hand sanitiser on nose. Strange Farting Human lurched away saying something about crazy people being everywhere in London.

Target got on train with bright red nose.

Mission accomplished.

 - Dispatch ends.

I intend being re-incarnated as a hawk.