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Sunday, 29 September 2013

Toilet Story Snippet



Today's blog: an update from the toilet story. 


This is currently my go-to WIP when I need to put a smile on my face; hopefully it does the same for you.

In other news : one visit to Leicester last week. No pigeons were sighted. I did end up with a bee trying to cuddle me fifteen minutes into the training session. Since lighting does amazing things, the only thing my audience was aware of was me breaking off in the middle of a sentence and squawking while doing an apparently awesome impression of a miniature windmill. *sigh*.   

I head to the Migraine Clinic next week Saturday, and I'm hoping for a small miracle, or something that will reduce the frequency of these things. Currently I'm getting two or three attacks a week, and it isn't fun. I would like to be able to function like a normal human again. Crossing fingers, toes, and everything else.


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The letter came that Friday. The envelope was a standard A4 size, off-white affair buried under about fifty dollars worth of postage stamps, with their address and "McKinney Family" written in an elegant copperplate hand.
Jason opened the envelope at the breakfast table, and read the letter that slid out aloud to his family.
'Dear McKinney Family
First, please accept our sincere apologies for the lateness of this communication. Your post office has returned our original missive three times, once via the Siberian outback, once for insufficient postage, and once through a time-warp continuum that meant it arrived approximately three centuries ago.
Our initial request was for you to enter a trial period as emergency hosts. The official title is Saviour of the Bog Roll, and  comes with a small stipend (a portion has been paid into your bank account through electronic transfer for the use of your facility during the test) to compensate you both for the inconvenience and cost of additional materials used by your guests.'
Jason paused for a sip of coffee. Tabs took the opportunity to fetch their ancient lap-top from the lounge, and power it up. It sat grinding through the log-in menu as Jason resumed reading.
'Due to a minor clerical error, the trial period was activated without your knowledge or agreement, and you met our testers without any forewarning. The feedback has been gratifying, and we thank you for refraining from acts of violence towards them.'
"Honey?" Tabs had logged into their bank account. Now, pale and shaky, she turned the screen towards him. Jason stared at it. "That's a lot of toilet paper," he said.
"Based on our testers feedback, we would like to offer you the role for the next year. Your downstairs bathroom will be an emergency stop for any being in our alliance that runs out of toilet roll between the USA earth time of 06:44 to 06:49 on Thursday mornings.
Acceptance will entail the following:
1) Minimum of two-ply toilet roll. Quilted is appreciated, but not mandatory.
2) A permanent button will be installed in the room concerned. This will require a visit by workmen, but will be kept as short as possible.
3) Any air freshener except rose, which a number of our members are highly allergic to.
4) The Saviour family agrees to refrain from any acts of violence, including but not limited to the use of: sharp instruments, blunt objects, kittens, chainsaws, projectile weapons and corrosive liquids.
5) Upon acceptance, the yearly stipend will be transferred to your bank.
6) The Saviour family is entitled to two (2) holiday periods of two (2) weeks per time during the course of the year. Please notify it advance by handing a letter to a guest no less than three (3) weeks prior to planned vacation.
7) The Saviour family is requested to refrain from using the unusual appearance of most of our members to scare or intimidate in-laws, mis-behaving children, surly UPS delivery men, any agent of the IRS or postal service, and the cable-guy.  Bankers, telephone marketers and GM company CEOs are welcome, and may be  offered as a friendly snack. (Please use only non-synthetic bindings due to delicate digestive systems.)
("Do they say anything about hall monitors?"
"No, Chris."
"What about -" 
"We are not feeding anyone to anything."
"Kids, don't eye-roll your father.")

'If you are willing to accept this, please hand this missive to your next guest, and the installation will be arranged.
Yours sincerely,
The Federated Alliance of Rare Things.'